By Karen Sherman, Ph.D.
"I am married with no kids and seeing a man who is married with three kids. I've been married for three years and he's been married for eight years. We met a year and a half ago at work and feel we are in love with each other. We did not start this relationship until a little over a month ago. I feel horrible about this affair but at the same time awesome when I'm with him.
"My husband and I have been having problems with our marriage for two years. We hardly have sex, and we fight all the time. As soon as the problem started, I talked to my husband and suggested we seek help immediately. His response was that it wasn't bad at all and it will get better. When we are with friends, we are great together. I don't want to get a divorce but don't know how to make it work. I know I'm in a mess. What should I do?" -- Melissa J., 30, Danville, California
Karen Sherman Answers
Melissa -- I'm not at all surprised that you are aware that there is a problem in your marriage but your husband thinks things are fine. Women often have a better pulse on the relationship. It's also not unusual that you found a love interest at work, since people spend so much time together there. Affairs always seem wonderful because they aren't real life -- they are captured moments. As you state, you are "in a mess" that is only likely to get messier.
The best path to take is to end the affair immediately and work on your marriage. Even though you have made the suggestion to your husband previously and he has rejected it, you must firmly let him know that there is a problem, that you are not happy, and that you don't know how to fix it. Ask if he would be willing to at least try. Might I also suggest that there are some professionals who are able to work with just one partner; when one partner makes some changes, it can create a reaction in their spouse.
If you work on your marriage and you are not satisfied, you then have the choice to end it. However, becoming involved with someone should be when both are free to become involved, as it is far less messy and hurtful to all other parties involved.
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