By Karen Sherman, Ph.D.
How to manage the flip-flopper in your life
Question: My partner and I have regular arguments because he'll say one thing, then do another. What can I do?
Answer: One of the factors that increases stress is when something is unpredictable. So, if your partner is saying that he will do one thing but then does another, or doesn't do it at all, it can certainly add to your stress level. And, in your relationships, you look for a sense of trust at the least and hopefully consistency. It's easy to see why you feel frustrated.
This is not something that only men do. Women often err in this area as well. For those of you who pride yourselves in being organized and "on top of things," this trait in your partner is downright maddening. Unfortunately, it ends up feeling very disrespectful to you.
What causes flip-flopping?
There are many reasons why this annoying "flip-flopping" behavior happens. Here are some:
- Some people are just forgetful.
- When someone is overextended, it's easy to intend to do something and lose sight of it.
- There are those who are "people pleasers." They will over-commit and then not be able to follow through on their promises.
- Some things don't get done because the person procrastinates. Procrastination is really an insecurity wherein the person is afraid that what they do isn't good enough.
- In some instances, the behavior might take the form of the person lying. Surprisingly, a person generally lies because of a fear of being judged.
With all the stress you experience in life, who needs more? How can you deal with your partner if you are living with someone who has a gap between what they say and what they do?
How to deal with a flip-flopper
First, look over the list above. Depending on the cause, the answer will vary. If your partner is a forgetful type but brings many other positive things to the relationship, you may just have to learn to laugh it off.
If you realize that your mate has too much on his or her plate, it may be time for some readjustment; perhaps you need to pitch in more.
Should your partner have more of a personal issue, as in the last three reasons, some compassionate sensitivity is required. The two of you might need to talk. Remember to do so without judgment or attack. My experience has been that when one partner lies (I am not including a pathological liar), it's important for the other partner to do some self-assessment. Often the lying is in response to a person who is demanding and harsh and it's easier to just say whatever will be appeasing.
Of course, don't forget about using little behavioral tricks:
- Reminder notes, emails, voicemails
- Playful comments
- Putting things on the other person's calendar (with a smiley face)
And, always remember to be appreciative when something gets done. There's no better way to ensure that a behavior will be repeated than when it gets noticed!
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