Choice Relationships: Smart Marriages
Circulation 700
Volume 2 July 2006
In This Issue:
Welcome
Overview
Resources
Offerings
Welcome to the second edition of my virtual newsletter. I recently attended the Smart Marriages Conference in Atlanta, Georgia and returned with great new information and resources dedicated to every spectrum of building healthy marriages and improving relationships. This edition of my newsletter is dedicated to sharing with you the information I learned. Enjoy!
Greetings Friends!
Some quick facts I learned that were new to me and might be new to you also... ... - What is more of a betrayal than an affair? To humiliate your partner in public or after your partner has revealed something very personally private to you, you use it against them.
- Contrary to accepted beliefs : After the age of 25, a man's testosterone decreases each year.
- Realistic expectations about sex: Only half the time do you feel "That was great!" And in 5-15% of the time, you will either feel dissatisfied or experience some dysfunction...it's normal!
- The 5 key traits to good relationships : You must share with your partner a sense of knowing, trust, ability to rely on him/her, commitment and touch. All of these traits should weigh in at about equal value.
- Men and Women ARE different: Women: Don't expect men to feel the same way you do. They are BIOLOGICALLY different. Men: Her #2 feels different than your #2 - when she's at this point, she needs to talk.
Tips
Smart Marriage Resources:
Foley, Susan (2005) SEX AND LOVE FOR GROWN- UPS, Sterling
McCarthy, Barry and McCarthy Emily (2004) GETTING IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, Routledge
Gray,John (2005) MARS AND VENUS TOGETHER FOREVER: Relationship Skills for Lasting Love, Harper
Van Epp, John (2006) HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK, McGraw-Hill.
Disrespected and Disregarded
Excerpt from "Marriage Magic!: Find it, Keep it, Make it Last. Karen Sherman, Ph.D and Dale Klein, M.A
"As you first started dating, you took great care to think about the other person. You were concerned that the restaurant you wanted to go to served food the other person liked. You suggested two or three movies that you were interested in and asked your partner, which of the options they found most appealing. If some change in plan had to occur, you made sure to let the other person know. These types of considerations are considered respectful to one another. Usually as a relationship evolves and each of the partners feels more comfortable with one another, there is less formality and greater latitude in dealing with each other. However, this does not mean the need for mutual respect no longer exists."
Often this lack of mutual respect results in one or both partners feeling disrespected or disregarded. In Chapter 2 of my book, I offer exercises to couples to bring mutual respect back into their relationship.
Ask about your partner. Show interest
Ask your mate in the morning what kind of day (s) he has planned. Then afterwards, jot anything down you mean to remember (such as an important meeting or doctor's appointment). At the end of the day, look back at this list and when your mate comes home ask him or her how the meeting or medical appointment went. When your partner appears to be finished talking, make a simple request like, "tell me more." Be sure to maintain good eye contact while listening and try to actively listen by occasionally paraphrasing what your partner said. You can say something like "It sounds like your meeting was very productive and some important decisions were made." This will ensure you really did follow the story.
Marriage Magic! : Find It, Keep It, Make It Last!
In attending the Smart Marriage Conference, there was a key concept reiterated within every workshop and seminar, the need to pay attention to our relationships. Unfortunately, due to jobs, kids, stress and daily life we often put our most intimate relationships on the back-burner but with commitment and work our relationships can be revitalized.
This revitalization process is explored in my book, Marriage Magic!: Find it, Keep it, Make it Last. I co-authored the book with communications expert Dale Klein to provide a comprehensive view of the ailments of modern-day relationships.